So it’s been a few days since I’ve posted and I suppose that is a good thing.  What I mean is I’ve been either too busy or feeling good enough that I didn’t need to rant and rave.

I have made through my first week in AA and during I found a few groups that I think I will enjoy.  I have connected with a sponsor and met a few people.  I think that I might be able to stick with it this time around.  This time around I am surrounding myself with the right kind of people.  People who have years of sobriety and have a positive outlook on life.

on a side note, I have been reading “The Diary of Anne Frank” and I came across this quote:

“And finally, I twist my heart round again, so the bad is on the outside and the good on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world.”

It reminded me of myself when I am drinking, with my bad side hiding the good and me blaming all of my problems and failures on everyone but myself.  I don’t want to be that person any longer.

~P

I have been reading my posts so far and they are pretty glum.  I guess dark breeds dark.  Well, I am going to try to brighten things up around here.

Today was a day that felt like it would never end.  Now whether that is a good thing or bad remains to be seen.  I spent my day bouncing from AA meetings to Head-Shrinkers to Alcohol Counselors.  There were good moments and bad, but lets focus on the good.

I finally found an AA Group that I really liked.  It was a large diverse and energetic group with many young people.  They had 2 speakers rather than the standard round table of war stories.  It was touching and at times funny to hear the speakers recount their lives, loves and losses.  I was pleased and will be sure to return to that group.

At this point I have got to take a victory, small though it may be because even a small win is better than another loss.

Til Tomorrow

~P

I love this song.  The lyrics have always spoken to me, even more so now as I contemplate addiction and alcoholism.  I don’t understand why I sleep all day.  And I do want someone to say to me that they’ll be there when I wake.

Sometimes I think that I am just not meant to have that and that now I have accepted the label “alcoholic” I have given myself a life-long label.  That label was really bothering me today at my AA meeting.  Here is a group of people saying “My name is and I am an alcoholic”  It was bothering me that none of them nor myself will ever say “I used to be an alcoholic”  It made me want to sleep all day.

Well, it’s hours later and I feel a little better and a little better is better than nothing.

~P

Yesterday is behind me now.  It was a long day filled with AA meetings, a talk with a pastor and even a drug test (clean).  

The AA meetings were good for me.  It is good to see others that have gone through what I have.  I am not having those lod feelings of disdain that always used to come up at AA.  I used to feel I was so much better than all the people who attend those meetings.  I felt like they were weak and I was strong.  Well, I l know that line of thinking to be flawed now.

The meeting with the pastor was great.  He is a neighbor of my parents and not of our family’s faith.  A younger guy, he is very easy to talk with.

Well, as good as I feel about how things went yesterday, I still feel like crap this morning.  I hope things keep moving forward for me.  I can’t keep on going feeling like I do today.

Wish me luck,

~P

I just got back from my 2nd meeting.  We discussed truths and lies.  It really made me think about my own life, my own lies.  Wether from my own flaws in character or through my addiction to alcohol; I have become a champion liar.  My life is a series of cons used to make the immediate, the moment easier.  Although in the long run all of those lies just make my life so much more difficult.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I want to be able to look friends and family in the eye again.  Hopefully my commitment to sobriety will help in that.

24 hours sober,

~P

24 hour Chip.

I am starting this blog to detail my journey through Alcoholics Anonymous and other treatment programs.

Today was my first AA meeting ever.  Up until this point I had always felt that I was strong enough to handle my drinking problem on my own.  I even felt like I was a better person than those weaklings who attend AA.  I really felt above it all and even harbored a certain amount of disdain for the program and people who need it.

I had actually stopped drinking for around 8 months.  I did it all on my own and I felt pretty justified and powerful that I was able to do this without professional help.  I would kind of wave this in the face of friends and family who had worried about me and had begged me to get into a program.  I wore it as a badge of honor.  ”Look at me, so tough I quit drinking on my own!’

Well that all changed yesterday.  Yesterday, for no special reason, I cracked a beer.  An ice cold bottled beer that tasted great.  You see this is where I differ from your average social drinker.  They might and probably would stop after one or two.  I don’t have that in me.  If I open one, I might as well open a dozen, and that is just what I did.

A long story short, I blacked out and woke up in a town nearly an hour away from my house.  I don’t know why I was there, I can barely remember going.  I am frightened and feeling alone.  My family is still here for me, but I don’t know ow many more incidents like this one our relationship can take.

So today, I went to my first meeting and you know what, it wasn’t terrible.  The people were kind and generous.  I did enjoy it.

So, I am going to try to keep a journal here of my recovery.  I don’t know who is out there in the big wide web who will read this.  I hope someone does and  can learn from my own struggles.

I guess that’s all for now.  See you tomorrow.

~P